It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
