Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
