Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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