just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
