i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
