oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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