I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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