yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
