He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
