im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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