Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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