So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
