this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I need to align my fucking chakras
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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