Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
