Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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