Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You are a genius and a whore.
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