she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
