I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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