My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
