you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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