i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
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