my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
