I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
