the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
