Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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