Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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