my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
