says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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