fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize