It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
