My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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