Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
It's just like the Real World with babies
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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