omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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