she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
