if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
