I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
