i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
