He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
