I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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