its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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