I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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