i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
