he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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