and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
