We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
