I have demons in me.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
