The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
