youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
