Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My vagina just recognized that song.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
