this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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