My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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