i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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