Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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