fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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