Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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