Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
