I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
