his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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