She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize