3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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