sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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