the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
