If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
