Your tits are I can't wait for
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I think I just sharted jello shots
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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