Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
