Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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