Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize