Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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