If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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