he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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