I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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