What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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